Lessons learned in death..

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I know this already sounds like a depressing post.. but my mind has been there so much over the past few months I just felt the need to write some of my feelings out on the whole issue.

Over the past several months I have known good friends, or friends of friends or family who have lost loved ones. A young wife to suicide. A 1 year old baby to drowning. A young daddy to a motorcycle accident. Another young husband to a car accident. A young mother to a brain tumor. A baby to trisomy 13. Another baby born via emergency c-section failed to thrive. A little girl of the age of 7 (and my daughter is turning 7 this year) in a coma and teetered on the edge of death to spinal meningitis. One of our newer friends had a full term still born baby 6 months ago. See why it's been on my mind?

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I have found my self pondering and dissecting the issue more than I probably ever have in my entire life until now. Until now I have pretty much not chosen to face death when it has been around me. My first instance with it was when I was probably 9 years old or so, my Father's parents were hit by a drunk driver and my grandmother died in it. I remember having spooky childlike nightmares about it. I remember being frightened by it. And then I have had several great grandparents pass over the years. Those deaths were less sad and more somber yet happy for their long and fruitful lives lived. About 8 years ago a good friend from my growing up years died in a truck accident, and I wasn't able to make it to the funeral because I was in training to become a flight attendant in another state. In a way I think I was relieved I wasn't forced to face the reality of his death. Another good friend from my ward growing up died in a snowmobile accident with his girlfriend in Utah a few years ago. Another one I missed the funeral of.

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A couple of those who have lost their loved ones have been keeping blogs chronicling their lives, the ups and downs, the realities and the spiritual blessings of comfort they have received since the tragedies. How has this affected me? It has touched my heart deeply. The temporary-ness and fragility of life is very real to me now. I believe it and in a way I feel like through other's losses and pain, I have felt like I have tasted enough for it to change me for the better. Never before did I realize how through death others could become better people. Many others. I wonder if their families realize how much knowing of their loss has changed me as a person (and surely many others)? It's hard when someone dies to think that anything could be good about it. But my heart has been changed in two ways:

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1. Those close to me know in the past I have had some mild depression. In those moments of despair I have thought the words, "I could just kill myself." Though I have thought those dramatic words more times than I'd prefer to admit, it's usually only been in more of a dramatic way that deep down I knew wasn't serious. But NOW, I will (or hope I will never) never utter those words again. I would truly NEVER, EVER want to put my sweet precious children and wonderful husband through that kind of pain. NEVER. I would NEVER EVER do that. Not a phrase to toy with. I have learned to look at my children and see how much they need me, how lost they would feel without a mother. After seeing someone else go through that, it's completely real to me.

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2. And after seeing a child go home to heavenly father, my intense desire to protect, love, and cherish my children has increased tenfold. They are not just objects to be taken for granted. They are the most precious aspects of joy in our lives, and should be treated as such. They should be protected, taught with love and patience, and cherished. I hold them tighter, appreciate them more, feel more patient, have more strength to endure the hard times with them, all in reaction to the sad loss of someone Else's child. Their losses have not been in vain. Their loss has touched my life forever.

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The knowledge I have of His gospel is more real to me now. That this probationary period we call life is just a learning time for us, to become more like Him. That through life and death we can become perfected and someday families may reunite with those precious loved ones who have passed through this veil of mortality. I am forever grateful for that peace. I want to live to be with my family forever, and if God should ever take one of my precious family members away before I want them to be taken, I know that I would have the peace that I will be with them again. I believe that with all my heart. There is no doubt that I am thankful for lessons we learn in death.

p.s. and I am sure there might be some wondering why the picture is there and how it goes with this post. It's personal to me because it is basically me right now- nursing my baby for what seems like 24/7 lately. And while I am doing that activity I am usually online reading the aforementioned blogs.