Refiner's FIRE.

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"In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiners fire, and the insignificant and unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross, and make our faith bright, intact, and strong."

~James E. Faust

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There is too much to say and too little time. I can't tell you how many times I have composed blog posts in my head while rocking the baby to sleep, and wishing I could chronicle more of our life right now.

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The ups and downs of our journey at home have been plentiful. It's a MAJOR adjustment, over all. It's learning how to juggle 10 balls at once..and being okay and not beating yourself up for dropping some (or a lot of them!)I am made aware of the realities more and more every day. And when you can see every little thing they are learning, you suddenly develop this subtle (or not so subtle...)arrogance about it.

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For example, why, oh why, pray tell, does my 7 year old have to learn about the origins of ancient Rome? My hubby and I had a little argument-whoops- I mean discussion about why this is/is not worthwhile. My point it that I hated history, never remembered any of it, not even through most of college..and really didn't catch on to how amazing it truly CAN be until like my mid twenties! I mean, statistics and dates meant nothing to me growing up, they were just annoying. Who CARES what happened a million years ago, anyway, right? Now, I'm not saying ALL of history is pointless, I would just like to edit what we learn a bit, maybe so we could delve deeper into learning the specific STORIES that make history come to life.

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So, yeah. School. And there's SOO much you can do with the kids it's honestly pretty overwhelming! Reading,writing,arts,crafts,science projects,musical games, etc..etc..etc..

I mean, every day at some point I have to give myself a pep talk, about the CORE reasons I am doing this at all. That whatever I am teaching them, truthfully, is peripheral to the MAIN point of why we are doing this. Did you know that? Because this summer, when I decided to home school, it wasn't because our schools were horrible. We live in an amazing school district that has well known great schools. It was because no matter HOW "great" the teacher is- with all 25 or more students...NOTHING can replace the time I lost while she was away at school. When she felt overwhelmed and like she couldn't keep up, and no one noticed, because the class had to move on..sorry! I will NOT let my daughter feel like she is
"less than" ever again. Her confidence hit the floor (how many times? I'll never know.), but NOT again! SHE is my priority.THEY are my priority.

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I know that nothing can compare to the sacrifice I am making to show my children I love them, I want them around me, I want OUR FAMILY to connect on another higher level, together. I don't just want my children to learn reading, writing and arithmetic (although in our schools its more drilling the "new R's" Reduce,reuse, recycle! FOR REAL. We saw it ALL the last two years.),I want them to learn dignity,honor,honesty,courtesy,morality.

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I want us to simply love being together.

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And that is why, when it's hard...and YES it is hard. Often. I recite the pep talk to myself. And God blesses me with simple achievements that fuel me forward.

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I saw Lena sitting by Dane (not fighting) and reading some books quietly. (SHE HATES READING, remember? Because she believed she COULDN'T do it!)

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Lena takes the lead and helps Dane understand some sounds in his phonics lessons.

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Today, while grocery shopping with THREE children. (a big deal for me, I seriously NEVER take the whole crew out grocery shopping!) Lena literally bagged all my groceries while I checked out, put them in the cart, and helped push the cart out while I held Elsie. Can you say thoughtful? That seriously made my day. We laughed and talked today..and I thought- I can't believe I would have missed out on this if you were at school all day long.

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I have felt frustrated to tears at times, but I have had those glimpses of goodness, and it makes it all worthwhile. I KNOW what we are spending our time on is the most important. And hopefully, with a little more experience, confidence, and knowledge, I can find the best schedule and set up for us. There are a million (and one!) ways/methods to home school. Our virtual school is pretty traditional over all..similar to real school, I should say. But like a tiny chick pecking through that protective egg, I feel like pecking around and searching for my ultimate hoemschooling arrangement. I know I haven't found it yet. But I am on the path.

And that, at least, is a start.